Thursday, March 25, 2004
I can quit anytime I want to, famous last words that have come back to haunt you
"I always think of you when I sign off emails. I think of how you use to write things at the bottom of them"
"Oh yea...?"
"Yeah, the other day I wrote 'love.hope.change' at the end of an email and remembered how you used to do that...remember?"
"..."
I'm not sure why, when faced with my painfully idealistic past, that I grit my teeth, turn my eyes to the ground, and wish that the conversation or situation be over. I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that I am obviously less involved in any sort of activism than I ever was before (if you can even call anything that I did proper activism) and I hate being remind of the fact. I can bet that a lot of it has to do with the fact that well I seem to care a lot less about things that at one time seemed pretty vital to me.
Have I put the kid stuff on the shelf like so many useless toys? Or am I just fucking lazy?
I'm not sure what's worse accepting that you just don't give a shit anymore or reveling in one's laziness.
There's also the very real possibility that how I view things and how I view change has in itself changed, but I'm having a hard time sorting through that. I can't put my finger on the reason I grit my teeth when memories of the past (passed) come back.
I suppose that the 20 year old me is just as embarassed of the 25 year old me...which is mostly due to this me being a lot fatter.
"I always think of you when I sign off emails. I think of how you use to write things at the bottom of them"
"Oh yea...?"
"Yeah, the other day I wrote 'love.hope.change' at the end of an email and remembered how you used to do that...remember?"
"..."
I'm not sure why, when faced with my painfully idealistic past, that I grit my teeth, turn my eyes to the ground, and wish that the conversation or situation be over. I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that I am obviously less involved in any sort of activism than I ever was before (if you can even call anything that I did proper activism) and I hate being remind of the fact. I can bet that a lot of it has to do with the fact that well I seem to care a lot less about things that at one time seemed pretty vital to me.
Have I put the kid stuff on the shelf like so many useless toys? Or am I just fucking lazy?
I'm not sure what's worse accepting that you just don't give a shit anymore or reveling in one's laziness.
There's also the very real possibility that how I view things and how I view change has in itself changed, but I'm having a hard time sorting through that. I can't put my finger on the reason I grit my teeth when memories of the past (passed) come back.
I suppose that the 20 year old me is just as embarassed of the 25 year old me...which is mostly due to this me being a lot fatter.
