Monday, June 07, 2004
"It seems like you've known so many."
"I've never known anyone who has done it and I can't understand...I'm sorry."
"I just feel so bad. You've known D.'s brother, L.B., K.'s dad. It's a hard go, it's a hard life. I'm so sorry."
I've just got to get it off my chest. I'm not sure about many things. I always question everything I believe or have ever believed, but I know this because it bursts out of my chest, runs out of my fingertips, comes out in my sobs when I'm alone. I've got to say it, rather than just type it, but it shouldn't be any of us. It shouldn't be anyone. Ever.
And sometimes I just want to forget it. I want to shut my eyes dream a little dream and pretend that it never happened and if it did, it doesn't matter. I can crack jokes, I can act disaffected, I can act like its water off a duck's back, which I have. It's not how I feel, it'll never be how I feel, but sometimes I can't face it. I want to put away the hurt and I want to lock away all the things that hurt us. I don't want anyone changed, scarred, aching, or hurting.
But that's not going to happen and to pretend like it is, is to just be an asshole (which I surely have been).
I wish that I know, you know, we know that it isn't suppose to be any of us.
"I've never known anyone who has done it and I can't understand...I'm sorry."
"I just feel so bad. You've known D.'s brother, L.B., K.'s dad. It's a hard go, it's a hard life. I'm so sorry."
I've just got to get it off my chest. I'm not sure about many things. I always question everything I believe or have ever believed, but I know this because it bursts out of my chest, runs out of my fingertips, comes out in my sobs when I'm alone. I've got to say it, rather than just type it, but it shouldn't be any of us. It shouldn't be anyone. Ever.
And sometimes I just want to forget it. I want to shut my eyes dream a little dream and pretend that it never happened and if it did, it doesn't matter. I can crack jokes, I can act disaffected, I can act like its water off a duck's back, which I have. It's not how I feel, it'll never be how I feel, but sometimes I can't face it. I want to put away the hurt and I want to lock away all the things that hurt us. I don't want anyone changed, scarred, aching, or hurting.
But that's not going to happen and to pretend like it is, is to just be an asshole (which I surely have been).
I wish that I know, you know, we know that it isn't suppose to be any of us.
