Sunday, June 06, 2004
I just got back from 'Stevie' (interviews with the director of the film here and here, it's best to read them in the order I placed them) at the Oxford theatre. I hate seeing personal films by myself, especially at night, because I usually feel like I need some sort of re-connection with people who are close to me afterwards. I ran the gamut of emotions during the course of the film and I felt emotionally spent as my weary legs headed for the exit doors.
I don't know exactly what I needed as I left the theatre, but a hug would have sufficed I think. It was a long walk home from the theatre to Bloomfield. I felt like I had been emptied throughout the course of the movie. I watched people have the courage to make decisions that I doubt that I'd have the strength to make. I admired them, while pitying myself.
It's hard to write on this site sometimes because though it would seem cathartic to exorcise certain demons, I don't think you ever completely exorcise anything from your past. 'Stevie' starts off with a Faulkner quote, "The past isn't dead. It isn't even past." I'd like to fool myself into thinking that I'm smart enough to realize that on my own, whether I'm concious of it or not. I would hope that this isn't my 'Portrait of Dorian Gray'. This is where my sins are reflected and forgotten. A depository for all the mistakes I've made. Do I want catharsis? No, I want courage. I want to be able to face what I've done (or haven't done), not so it can be undone, but so I can do something about the future. I don't want to repeat and I don't want to remain stagnant, caught in a loop (causal or otherwise).
I wondered why Steve James made 'Stevie', I thought that it had to be to make amends for his own guilt. I thought it was as good a reason as any. It might have been somewhat selfish, but it made sense to me. Listening to him speak tonight, I don't know if I can say with any conviction what motivated him to make the film, but guilt no longer seems like a good reason.
Do I write about my own lapses in character out of guilt? Like I said I'd like to think I'm smarter than that. I'd like to believe I'm not that predictable, but maybe that's just my ego speaking. I suppose I could write about all the good things I've done in my life, but I'm not so great at picking those things out. I'm aware that they exist, but they just don't stick out in my memory the way the mistakes do, but maybe that's my modesty speaking.
Today Faith, Natalie, and I rescued some orphaned kittens. The kittens were over four weeks old, weaned, and a lot closer to six than they were to five weeks old. They were malnourished and we had our doubts that they'd be able the mother, a stray, would be able to get food for five growing kittens as well as herself. The people who owned the house that they were hiding out in wanted absolutely nothing to do with them. As soon as they saw the food laid out for them they attacked the food ravenously barely pausing to breath. We didn't think that introducing five new strays into the neighbourhood (who use our yard as thoroughfare) was a good idea so we contacted the SPCA who told us we should take care of the kittens until Monday when they can see to them. One of them, the white kitten, seems like s/he has some irritation in its eyes. I'm a little worried. I was even more worried when I came home and found them huddling in the corner of the spare bedroom and the white kitten had its left eye shut with a considerable amount of redness surrounding it. I put some polysporin around its eye after washing it out. The pus that had accumulated has gone away and the eyes are much more healthy looking (relatively speaking). I don't know maybe we don't the right thing, I don't know.
I think the kittens are going to be ok.
I think, by extension, I am too.
I don't know exactly what I needed as I left the theatre, but a hug would have sufficed I think. It was a long walk home from the theatre to Bloomfield. I felt like I had been emptied throughout the course of the movie. I watched people have the courage to make decisions that I doubt that I'd have the strength to make. I admired them, while pitying myself.
It's hard to write on this site sometimes because though it would seem cathartic to exorcise certain demons, I don't think you ever completely exorcise anything from your past. 'Stevie' starts off with a Faulkner quote, "The past isn't dead. It isn't even past." I'd like to fool myself into thinking that I'm smart enough to realize that on my own, whether I'm concious of it or not. I would hope that this isn't my 'Portrait of Dorian Gray'. This is where my sins are reflected and forgotten. A depository for all the mistakes I've made. Do I want catharsis? No, I want courage. I want to be able to face what I've done (or haven't done), not so it can be undone, but so I can do something about the future. I don't want to repeat and I don't want to remain stagnant, caught in a loop (causal or otherwise).
I wondered why Steve James made 'Stevie', I thought that it had to be to make amends for his own guilt. I thought it was as good a reason as any. It might have been somewhat selfish, but it made sense to me. Listening to him speak tonight, I don't know if I can say with any conviction what motivated him to make the film, but guilt no longer seems like a good reason.
Do I write about my own lapses in character out of guilt? Like I said I'd like to think I'm smarter than that. I'd like to believe I'm not that predictable, but maybe that's just my ego speaking. I suppose I could write about all the good things I've done in my life, but I'm not so great at picking those things out. I'm aware that they exist, but they just don't stick out in my memory the way the mistakes do, but maybe that's my modesty speaking.
Today Faith, Natalie, and I rescued some orphaned kittens. The kittens were over four weeks old, weaned, and a lot closer to six than they were to five weeks old. They were malnourished and we had our doubts that they'd be able the mother, a stray, would be able to get food for five growing kittens as well as herself. The people who owned the house that they were hiding out in wanted absolutely nothing to do with them. As soon as they saw the food laid out for them they attacked the food ravenously barely pausing to breath. We didn't think that introducing five new strays into the neighbourhood (who use our yard as thoroughfare) was a good idea so we contacted the SPCA who told us we should take care of the kittens until Monday when they can see to them. One of them, the white kitten, seems like s/he has some irritation in its eyes. I'm a little worried. I was even more worried when I came home and found them huddling in the corner of the spare bedroom and the white kitten had its left eye shut with a considerable amount of redness surrounding it. I put some polysporin around its eye after washing it out. The pus that had accumulated has gone away and the eyes are much more healthy looking (relatively speaking). I don't know maybe we don't the right thing, I don't know.
I think the kittens are going to be ok.
I think, by extension, I am too.
