Friday, May 28, 2004
In the summer of 1999, I was starting to believe my own hype. I was quite full of myself and looking back I'm not sure why. The band I was in was playing a fair number of shows, but it wasn't like we were 'making a mark on the hardcore scene' or anything like that. We were 4 (sometimes 5, sometimes 6) kids making music and I'm really not sure if the music we were making that time was good or bad. Just like any teenage kids in a band, we were having fun and that should have been enough, but for some reason I wanted to feel important. I wanted to feel righteous.
Feeling special is fine, everyone should feel special, we don't always do, but you should at least like yourself a little bit. Otherwise you'd want to spend most of your days unconcious. Is there a criteria in feeling special? I'm not sure, I suppose being sentient should be criteria enough, I mean what's more amazing than being alive and being aware? It sounds pretty bullshit, but it isn't. I mean if you don't believe or are skeptical that there's a life after this one, then being alive is pretty astounding and sublime.
So what am I talking about? Righteousness, yes, yes.
Who did I think I was Geddy 'Fucking' Lee?
Of course not, but I did get pretty wrapped up in myself.
Near the end of the summer, my best friend's father committed suicide. I should have been there for him and I was, but not to the extent that he or I know I should have been. I was mad at him for something so trivial that I can't even remember it now. I let that get in the way of being there for him. I had known him for 8 years and I couldn't let a single incident drop.
The night I found out I was at my parent's house hanging out with friends. My friend called and broke the bad news. I left the house and left my friends and headed to his house. I found out later that my friends knew what had happened and thought I had known as well, upon arriving at my house and finding me in good spirits they decided not to tell me. When I found out I was rather upset with them. It's funny how I could turn a situation that was decidedly not about me into a situation that was. I realized how selfish my thoughts were and never told anyone. I was ashamed.
I moved away at the end of that summer and hide myself away with new friends, a new school, new bands. I tried to write that bad friend that I had become out of existence. I didn't do a very good job of it. I'd see my friend at shows, places we use to hang out together, and I'd feel pangs of sadness and yet I couldn't cross the divide, let down my guard, and do what I should have done weeks, months before.
I once wrote of myself,
As much as I am sociable, there are few people I hold onto. I guess that makes me callous. But as we drift through life, people drift in and out of our lives. Paths cross and uncross. Moments shared are sometimes just that, moments. They are fleeting and done with as soon as they begin.
There may be some truth to it, but it may be also one person's rationalization as to why they let things fade away. It's just the way it is, I'm sorry I'm not able to help/love/comfort you, there's not much I can do, it's just the way I am.
I was in a band that sang about how important social change was, I wrote lyrics about taking stands on things and having an open heart. I'm not sure I even knew what any of that meant. I sing along to songs like "my heart tries its hardest". But all along I was missing the fucking point. In our times of greatest need I couldn't turn to someone and say "I love you."
Feeling special is fine, everyone should feel special, we don't always do, but you should at least like yourself a little bit. Otherwise you'd want to spend most of your days unconcious. Is there a criteria in feeling special? I'm not sure, I suppose being sentient should be criteria enough, I mean what's more amazing than being alive and being aware? It sounds pretty bullshit, but it isn't. I mean if you don't believe or are skeptical that there's a life after this one, then being alive is pretty astounding and sublime.
So what am I talking about? Righteousness, yes, yes.
Who did I think I was Geddy 'Fucking' Lee?
Of course not, but I did get pretty wrapped up in myself.
Near the end of the summer, my best friend's father committed suicide. I should have been there for him and I was, but not to the extent that he or I know I should have been. I was mad at him for something so trivial that I can't even remember it now. I let that get in the way of being there for him. I had known him for 8 years and I couldn't let a single incident drop.
The night I found out I was at my parent's house hanging out with friends. My friend called and broke the bad news. I left the house and left my friends and headed to his house. I found out later that my friends knew what had happened and thought I had known as well, upon arriving at my house and finding me in good spirits they decided not to tell me. When I found out I was rather upset with them. It's funny how I could turn a situation that was decidedly not about me into a situation that was. I realized how selfish my thoughts were and never told anyone. I was ashamed.
I moved away at the end of that summer and hide myself away with new friends, a new school, new bands. I tried to write that bad friend that I had become out of existence. I didn't do a very good job of it. I'd see my friend at shows, places we use to hang out together, and I'd feel pangs of sadness and yet I couldn't cross the divide, let down my guard, and do what I should have done weeks, months before.
I once wrote of myself,
As much as I am sociable, there are few people I hold onto. I guess that makes me callous. But as we drift through life, people drift in and out of our lives. Paths cross and uncross. Moments shared are sometimes just that, moments. They are fleeting and done with as soon as they begin.
There may be some truth to it, but it may be also one person's rationalization as to why they let things fade away. It's just the way it is, I'm sorry I'm not able to help/love/comfort you, there's not much I can do, it's just the way I am.
I was in a band that sang about how important social change was, I wrote lyrics about taking stands on things and having an open heart. I'm not sure I even knew what any of that meant. I sing along to songs like "my heart tries its hardest". But all along I was missing the fucking point. In our times of greatest need I couldn't turn to someone and say "I love you."
