Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Sometimes I give myself terrible headaches.
I worry about things. I can never just let the chips fall where they may or just take things in stride, such advice doesn't take root in my mind.
I ponder everything. I think about every possible deviation an act can have. I think about every possibility, effect, reaction. I can't get past it.
I keep myself up at night. I use to keep myself up until 4 or 5 in the morning just so I'd be exhausted enough that when I did go to bed I wouldn't have the energy to lie awake and think.
Sometimes it would seem that the only cure is baseball. I said before baseball is all about potential, each at bat representing a new situation with the potential to change the entire situation/game as a whole. I can ponder baseball for hours, days, and never have to worry about the effect it has on reality. It's just a game.
You strike out? There's always the next at bat. You lose this game? There's always the next one. You have a losing season? There's always next year. Always next year has been a mantra for me since 1989.
When I ponder the possible consequences of actions in my own life, oftentimes it makes me hold off on those actions. "Feeling paralyzed" is too strong a description, cowardly seems too serious, and somehow "unable to act due to indecisiveness" seems too 'wordy'. Let's just say sometimes I ponder too much and it stops me from acting on things when I should.
I can sit and think for hours on where Cliff Floyd is going to bat in the Red Sox lineup (circa the summer of 2002) and it calms me. I can pour over the same satistics for hours wondering how many Sox will end up with 20 or more homerruns at the close of the season. I ponder these inconsequential possibilites and it makes me less anxious than I ever have been.
I worry about things. I can never just let the chips fall where they may or just take things in stride, such advice doesn't take root in my mind.
I ponder everything. I think about every possible deviation an act can have. I think about every possibility, effect, reaction. I can't get past it.
I keep myself up at night. I use to keep myself up until 4 or 5 in the morning just so I'd be exhausted enough that when I did go to bed I wouldn't have the energy to lie awake and think.
Sometimes it would seem that the only cure is baseball. I said before baseball is all about potential, each at bat representing a new situation with the potential to change the entire situation/game as a whole. I can ponder baseball for hours, days, and never have to worry about the effect it has on reality. It's just a game.
You strike out? There's always the next at bat. You lose this game? There's always the next one. You have a losing season? There's always next year. Always next year has been a mantra for me since 1989.
When I ponder the possible consequences of actions in my own life, oftentimes it makes me hold off on those actions. "Feeling paralyzed" is too strong a description, cowardly seems too serious, and somehow "unable to act due to indecisiveness" seems too 'wordy'. Let's just say sometimes I ponder too much and it stops me from acting on things when I should.
I can sit and think for hours on where Cliff Floyd is going to bat in the Red Sox lineup (circa the summer of 2002) and it calms me. I can pour over the same satistics for hours wondering how many Sox will end up with 20 or more homerruns at the close of the season. I ponder these inconsequential possibilites and it makes me less anxious than I ever have been.
# posted by Die Brucke @ 2:35 PM 
